This is Scrwed up

moved to here

www.xanga.com/EverythingImHoldingBack

www.xanga.com/EverythingImHoldingBack

www.xanga.com/EverythingImHoldingBack

www.xanga.com/EverythingImHoldingBack

www.xanga.com/EverythingImHoldingBack

www.xanga.com/EverythingImHoldingBack

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I messed a lot of things up.

Ok so about 5 seconds ago I was going to be really open and like spill everything... because I need to. Now I feel held back so I guess I'm going to broad if you get it, you get it. If you don't, get over it.

Let’s see...

I don’t know if this ever happens to you but I can feel all these things that I need to say like filling up in side of me like I feel weighed down. Hopefully I’ll let it all out soon.

I know good and well that my mom doesn’t have the money to barely pay the bills... And sometimes there’s just not. I’ve been spending like no other. It’s like not matter what I do, it just doesn’t stop. I’m not even talking about gifts or iPods (which I am now seriously considering giving back). I’m talking about like going to Staples and buying stuff for my projects. And I know it’s stupid but I feel like she buys me things that I really don’t deserve all the time to try to keep  me here because I can honestly say that I would be happier at my dad’s. I just can’t find the nerve to leave my friends. If I could I would be gone. I feel like she buys me stuff because she feels bad for like the way she is towards me.. Like so every time I’m in my room crying something comes of it. That makes me feel horrible but if I don’t take it she freaks out and I can’t handle this.

So one of my friends told me something… that was rather asshole-ish so I told the person it pertained to and I think I might of like started an argument that wouldn’t have happened if I could just keep to myself.

Here’s the part where I say things that have been bothering me for a long time but I don’t have the nerve to say it but I’m going to right now and maybe I’ll take it down later. There’s something in my life that I have only told two of my friends because I’ve never haven’t have an issue with it in a long time. Well I guess it’s not as big of deal as I’m making it but it means a lot to me and I’m pretty much afraid to let everyone know and I’m not sure why. Here goes, from like forever before I was born and till I was like 6 or 7 my dad was basically an alcoholic. I mean like drink so much that my mom has to drive him to a hotel because she wasn’t sure what he would do. I mean like he never did anything to hurt me but it worries me that he could do that to himself.. ok so the issue is that since him and Cheryl’s relationship got all screwed he started drinking again and it’s not near as bad  as it was but it’s like it’s starting all over.. Like when I get there on Friday there’s two bottles of Vodka and by the time I leave on Sunday afternoon it’s pretty close to gone if not it’s gone. I don’t know I guess that none of you should care I’m just scared because yea… and umm.. you don’t care so I’ll stop.

Let's start with Friday Night:  I got home and things got bad for a while. Let's just say I feel asleep so my mom left me, so I didn't go to the gay men's chorus thing. Then Jessica called and woke me up, and I has some issues withe figuring out what the ringing noise was. We decided that we were going to Michael's " surprise" party. It turned out that it wasn't a surprise to him, oh well. That was oodles of fun.  I love smoke detectors and manhunt.

Saturday: Since I woke up at like 11:15 instead of 10:30 my mom decided to decorate the enire tree without me. In case you didn't know, that's my favorite part of christmas. Then at three I went to church and we went to see Narnia and ice skating. I suck at ice skating and there was way too much fun in the van.

ps. I'm worried.

Today: I woke up too early cause I had to be to church at like 8 to sing. Then when that was over at like 9, Me Andy Jessica Matt and Melissa went to Waffle House. There was way too much stuff on that little table. When we were leaving matt was in the bathroom so we like drove off and he caught up with the car and then jump on top of it... Holy cow that was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Then we went to Wall mart, and they got in troble for being on the bikes. We left matt again. Then we went to Lowes and played with door bells and like refrigerator alarms oh and staple guns and tractors. We didn't leave matt that time. Then we all went home and I slept till four then I had to be at church at 4:45 do I got ready and went and now I am here.

I wrote this in part of a song today... and umm yea.. i guess you can tell me how bad it sucks.

"In case you can't see, you're the cancer in my head
And I'm trying to keep you from spreading to my heart."

Jessica Leigh Owens is Amazzzziing.

girlwithasterisk: we were sitting there up on stage tonight and I was wondering how I'm possibly going to get a date to prom next year

More boredom... Icons and quotes

It was just an innocent smile, but it lit up my world

it`s weird how you say
that you hate the boy who
broke your heart but when
he runs back to you, you`re
arms are wide open.

&& I finally realized I'm not in love with you
I'm in love with who you used to be.

She sat on the corner
crying her eyes out
again

So i wipe away the tears & close my eyes
Forget about the drama & all the lies.
I put on my headphones to drown out the pain.
This will be the first night without the rain..

I felt like I hadn't updated in a long time, so I am.

I finished my online course on Tuesday, all I can say is that I'm glad to have that over with. The stress is no where near done though. I need to stop watching Sweet 16, it's making me flip out over like me and Jessica's party. I mean it's going to be big, but nothing like that. On top of there's a ton going on (as far as like my family goes..) and if your are the only person I told about it you're lucky I guess... At least I don't have to worry about my grades for once.

Done complaining.

well in like 30 seconds... Plain White T's is canceled and that makes me want to cry.. BUT I'M SEEING AEROSMITH and Lenny Kravitz and Brian from RAR's new band...plus there is an abundance of shows in the next couple  months..

Ok well nothing left to say... even though I feel like talking...

do you remember that game "telephone" ??
you know, when one person says something
& by the end of the game its something completely different
welcome to highschool

Does this make anyone else laugh?

********EDIT********

i'm bored and i'm bad at  skating

10 Firsts:
First Best Friend: Laura Chang
First Screen: Name: KellyAliD
First REAL Kiss: it's sad, but i'm still waiting
Pet: Tosha my dog
First Piercing: ears
First Crush: I married Steven Washer in 1st grade.
First Music: are you kidding with my parents... the Beatles.
First Car: ummm kinda have and Escape... but not all mine
First Vacation: Indiana
First Love: I've always loved  Seasme Street..

9 Lasts:
Last Cigarette: Umm.. like 2 weeks ago.. what are you thinking? sXe
Last alcoholic drink: and again sXe 
Last Car Ride: Home from church
Last Movie Seen:NarniaLast Phone Call: that very complex one in the van with me matt jessica and andy 
Last CD Played: Nirvana
Last bubble bath: i dont remember
Last time you cried: This morning


8 Have You Ever:
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Nope..but i like one..
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no
Have You Ever Been on TV: yes
Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Then Regretted it: no
Have you Ever cheated: yes... on  a test you loser
Have You Ever been on a blind date: no
Have You Ever been out of the country: Mexico and Canada


7 Things You're Wearing:
1. PJ bottoms
2. Planet Holly Wood shirt
3. underwear
4. bra
5. makeup
6.  contacts
7.  a smile?


6 Things You've Done Today:
1. Cleaned
2. Went to a movie
3. took a shower
4. rode in the church vans 
5. ice skated
6. laughed

5 favorite things In No Particular Order:
1. Friends
2. Music
3. God
4. Boys
5. Lucky Charms


4 People you would tell Anything to:
1. Jessica
2. Mitch
3.Laura
4. Lauren

3 Choices:
1. Black or White: black
2. Hot or Cold: cold
3. Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla


2 Things You Want to Do Before you die:
1. Cure Something
2. Find the real me

1 thing you regret:
1.eing mean.... but...i think i figured out why and i'm going to work on it.

This is about 75% of my 'friends'..

just thought I would share